Well it’s been awhile, but I’m back. The rest of our trip was great, but it was also nice to be home from California to relax at home for a bit.

Sometimes I feel like when I write on this here blog I’m sort of covering up the important things with topics like music and baseball that people can easily digest. But the bottom line is that this isn’t at all easy for me, and I’d like to get that out, not necessarily for anyone reading this but for me personally.

I’m dying. There’s just nothing more to say. Sure there’s room for miracles, and last minute cures, but it really doesn’t look good. So how do I deal? I remember writing in my journal that any positive emotion of happiness or optimism or joy is tainted a bit by the knowledge of all this other shit. Death impurifies any positive emotion. I wish that the purity of life could somehow overcome in my mind and I could go about this different. And the truth is, sometimes it does; and those days I wouldn’t say I’m depressed. But the rest of the days the impurity of emotions causes depression, and I have to deal with this every day.

Every day think about what happens if I die. I can choose to ignore it and take life day by day, but that is alot more difficult than it sounds.

So this is a morose post, but hopefully there will be more happy ones as I try and enjoy my life as it has turned out. Thanks everybody for your continued support, and I hope you’ll all still continue to be there for me.

And acc. to Billy Joel I must be doing something right….



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4 responses to “Depression

  1. G, I love you. Stay strong!

  2. שרה

    אני ממש נפעמת מהכוחות הלא יאמנים שיש לך לקום כל בוקר למציאות שכזאת.אני מעריצה אותך על כל רגע כזה בו אתה נאבק ומחזיק בשיניים ומראה לכולנו כמה שהחיים שווים את המאמץ גם כשקשה ונראה כאילו העולם כולו מתאפל.אתה מעורר השראה ואתה מלמד אותי על ערך החיים יותר מכל דבר אחר.נראה לך שיש סיכוי בעולם שלא נעמוד לצדך??אני פה בשבילך בכל רגע ובכל זמן,תמיד!(ומקווה שהבנת מה שכתבתי בעברית פשוט קל לי יותר להתבטא בשפה הזאת..)
    אני בטוחה שתצליח למצוא רגעים משמחים ושתצליח שהם יהיו אלו שמובילים אותך לאורך כל הדרך!!!אוהבת אותך כל-כך כל -כך שרה קמפלר(שבת-שלום)

  3. Nina

    I applaud your brave honesty: you are publicly articulating the ugly reality that is biting your ass. The truth is we are all dying, and none of us knows when our last day is. But a dear friend who is also dealing with shitty cancer described it like this: “everyone is crossing the street knowing that they can get run over, but I am actually jumping in front of the bus and crossing against the light”.

    It sucks and of course you are depressed……if you weren’t, it would mean that you were an idiot. And, you are super smart and sophisticated, so that rules out a dumb response to what you are dealing with. It also means that you know I am using poor grammar in this email, but that is because I am dead tired, bad pun, from my Aisa trip which nearly killed Zvi with some horrid infection.

    My point: we are all playing with fire just by living, and you never know when the end is here. BUT until the gig is up, you gotta play, you must play to stay in the game. SO, Gilad, just keep playing, some days harder than others, and some days kinda dribbling the ball here and there. Try to enjoy the unpredictable ride we call life. We never know what is around the bend.

    Love you more than you know, Nina

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